The Hemi Patent Sketch runs as follows:
"Client: Hello. I would like to sue someone for patent infringement.
Attorney: Certainly sir, in which jurisdiction?
Client: At the world patent court.
Attorney: [ Face clouding over] But Sir, there is no such court.
Client: There must be, I had a judgement from it last year.
Attorney: You cannot have a judgement from a court which does not exist.
Client: Well I bleeding well got one.
Attorney: You’re a loony you are.
Client: Why should I be tarred with the epithet loony, simply because I chose the most convenient judicial body. I’ll have you know that Mr Dupont of the Dupont Clothing Inc went to the same court and won. So if, by implication, you are calling the inventor of the self removing trouser a loony, I’m afraid I shall have to ask you to step outside.
Attorney: All right, all right, so you want to sue. Did you try in any other jurisdictions?
Client: Yes, at the European Patent Litigation Court.
Attorney: You are a loony!
Client: Look I have a European Patent, it’s quite logical that I should litigate at the corresponding European Judicial instance.
Attorney: [Recovering his composure] Well can I see a copy of the judgement then?
Client: There you go my good man [hands over a document]
Attorney: This isn’t a judgement from a European Patent Litigation Court, it’s a judgement from the County Court of South Wales, with the word “Gwent” crossed out and “European” written in crayon!
Client: The man didn’t have the right form.
Attorney: What man?
Client: The man from the counterfeiting detector unit
Attorney: You mean the loony detecting unit!
Client: It’s people like you what cause unrest.
Attorney: So there’s a counterfeiting detector unit?
Client: Yes, from the department of Trade and Industria.
Attorney: The department of Trade and Industria?
Client: Yes, it was spelt like that on the van. I notice these things. Anyway, since my European patent was published last year, it was a cinch to copy the invention. They told me I should grant a compulsory licence to avoid being fined.
Attorney: And how much did they charge you for this advice?
Client: Two-hundred quid..... and forty for the unicorn.
Attorney: What unicorn?
Client: The one they kept in the van.
Attorney: A unicorn, almost as mythical a beast as the European Patent Litigation Court. Is everything about you fake?
Client: I’ll have you know that the first Comptroller of the British Patent Office kept an entire menagerie of Pan-European Intellectual property instances in his garden shed.
Attorney: No he didn’t.
Client: Did, did, did, did, did and did!
Attorney: Oh all right then.
Client: Spoken like a true gentleman sir, now can I sue at the world patent court or not?
Attorney: I promise you that there is no such thing - you have to sue separately in every state.
Client: In that case I’d like to sue at the ASEAN regional Intellectual Property, small claims and defective noodles court.
Attorney: [Pensively] Defective noodles.... hmmm.....
Client: It concerns my world patent WP-09/000001
Attorney: Of course it does. So you want to litigate for infringement of this non-existent IP.
Client: It suffered a partial accidental anticipation.
Attorney: You’re off your trolley. In fact, after you gnawed through the leather straps and got off the trolley, you left the funny farm entirely and started a new life in Exeter with a complimentary lifetime supply of lithium-flavoured boiled sweets.
Client: Look, if you intend by that utilisation of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch--or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my patent--I shall have to ask you to listen to this.....Take it away, the non-existent orchestra Leader!
[Musical interlude – Eric the half-IP]".